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You don't necessarily have to suck up to Rome.

Go big on buying priests, put one with every army, even those little ones that you beat up on rebels with. Put priests in every city and castle, and sometimes two. Don't invade your enemies, but feel free to gift them money each turn...when I'm well off it's around 500, but it does work with less. This is a long term strategy. As your relationship with them grows, it will grow with Rome as well...it's all for one and one for all in the church's eyes. If you really want to hasten the process, send quality saboteurs into your nemesis' cities and burn down the churches...but don't get caught. Use every opportunity to spread the faith, and bump off any heretics or witches anywhere, as well as sending your clerics into others areas. Build cathedrals every once in a while too.

With any luck, you should be able to achieve a balance of power in the college of cardinals over a period of time. Essentially you are using diplomacy to ensure that only YOUR cardinals get the top seat. Once you have that, anyone threatens you, they get excomm'd. But, the church asks for something, you had better produce.

In regard to spies causing problems...You simply send quality spies into poorly maintained and guarded cities and leave them there. I'm not sure if you have to be at war with that faction, but as the neighbours have been doing it to me during peace, I think not. The way to stop it happening is to station your spies in your cities...this also cranks up their subterfuge rating enormously over time.

The only thing that I believe you can actually ask the pope to do is declare a crusade against a particular place.